The Expendables

The Expendables is kind of weird, because in some ways it delivers on its promise of over-the-top 80s style action with a giant cast of movie veterans, and in some ways it doesn't. I definitely liked it, but I feel that it also could have been much better. The problem is the question of how seriously the movie takes itself. If the movie was straight-up homage to what movies used to be and maybe more tongue-in-cheek, it might have been better. But you get the feeling that Sly Stallone was being completely genuine in his attempt to bring back the glory days, and in that light it's not as successful. I mean, as far as replicating what's come before, he pulled it off. The problem is that those movies were rarely actually very good, and the script at work here is pretty damn weak. It gets made up for a bit by the advancements we've made in filming entertaining violence, but it's certainly a flawed movie.

Sylvester is the leader of a crack team of guns for hire, featuring knife expert Jason Statham, martial arts expert Jet Li, betrayal expert Dolph Lundgren, giant ridiculous automatic shotgun expert Terry Crews, and Randy Couture. Stallone is the only one whose character is really drawn beyond a very brief sketch, and while the rest of them all have what could be described as character traits, they're really just there to help blow things up. Even the second in command Statham is basically playing Action Star Jason Statham, with the only thing trying to avoid this being one of the most pointless subplots ever. Here's what it consists of: Scene 1. He goes home to his girl (played by Cordelia from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and surprises her with a ring, but he finds out she's seeing another guy. Scene 2: He finds out the guy hits her, so he kicks his and his friends' asses on a basketball court and then drives off with her on his bike. Then she disappears from the movie.

And that's by far the most anybody besides Sly gets to do outside action scenes. Lots of guys get small parts, there's a fun scene where Sly gets a mission from Bruce Willis and has some half-witty repartee with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Mickey Rourke forgets what movie he's in and acts his ass off delivering a monologue that helps Sly figure out what he has to do. Eric Roberts is an enjoyable smarmy villain, Batista from Dexter is the foreign general whose army is getting taken advantage of, and Stone Cold is menacing enough as the king henchman. So there's a lot of recognizable faces, and they all seem to be having fun kicking each other's asses. The action is surprisingly well choreographed, featuring an entertaining mix of guns, hand to hand beatings, and giant explosions. Unfortunately this is mired a bit by how dark the movie is, especially in the climactic scenes, and a tendency to match the current trend of very quick cuts despite the old pedigree, which occasionally makes the super violence a bit hard to see. So it's an action movie without a good story to prop it up, and the action isn't perfect either. But like I said, I mostly enjoyed it, laughing out loud on numerous occasions while acknowledging that it wasn't actually a very good film. Which is fine, it certainly could have been much worse. Personally, I'm hoping for a sequel with more Dolph, Arnie, and Bruce. And some decent lighting.

Hercules in New York

I had never heard of this movie before, but it ended up getting thrown in the DVD player during a party that involved alcoholic beverages. It was Arnold Schwarzenegger's first film, and his Austrian accent was so impenetrable that he had to be dubbed over by another actor for the theatrical release. We watched it with the original audio though of course, with subtitles on to make it a bit easier. I am not kidding when I say this is probably the worst film I have ever seen. The production values are non-existent, the direction is inept, the plot makes absolutely no sense, and with one special exception, the acting is universally terrible. But we sure had a great time watching it, as everything that went wrong almost seemed perfectly designed to illicit laughter.

Basically, the title is very accurate. Demigod Hercules decides he is bored of Olympus (which looks exactly like a city park) and descends to Earth, intending to see the world but mostly just staying in the city that never sleeps. For some reason this angers Zeus, who contrives with others in the pantheon to get Hercules to return. Zeus claims that he wants Hercules to come back because he isn't fit for that world, though since the character is half-human and spent most of his time in the old myths with humans, you'd think it would be fine. Zeus never mentions the real reason why Hercules should not be down there, which is that he's a fucking idiot. Apparently in the thousands of years he lived with the gods he never bothered to keep up with human culture besides learning a strange Austrian version of English, because he doesn't understand simple concepts like how vehicles can run without horses pulling them and that it's not okay to lift other people and then throw them.

Despite these flaws he still manages to make something of a life in the city, thanks to the intervention of down-on-his-luck Brooklynite Pretzie who shows him the ropes (so named because he sells pretzels, you see). Hercules quickly gets a girlfriend after impressing her by breaking a few of another suitor's ribs and a job as a heavyweight wrestler after he is seen assaulting an escaped zoo bear in Central Park. Things go great, with his girlfriend mistaking his honest statements about being of divine origin for a demented but harmless running joke, and much success in the ring that we never see once, even for a second. The conflict comes in when a few mobsters try to muscle Pretzie into... something. It's never adequately explained. They seem to want some sort of rights with regard to controlling betting on Hercules in fights and other contests, but Pretzie admits to having no such rights whatsoever even while they're bullying him, being only Hercules' friend. Although he is forced to sign the paper they put in front of him, I have no fucking idea in the world what it is he actually signed. Later some trickery causes Hercules to lose a weight-lifting match, and the goons chase him and Pretzie because... I don't know. As I've said, it makes no sense.

More than just being hilarious on a so-bad-it's-good level, we all truly came to love and appreciate Pretzie as the film went on. He was a bit annoying at first, but once you get past the grating accent, he's really a good guy. There's a really sweet scene near the middle where Pretzie drinks himself to sleep, distraught over the meaningless sheets of paper he signed, and Hercules not only lays him on the couch, he also gets him a blanket and turns out the lights. It's a true friendship that the movie should have spent more time exploring. And when he eventually returns to Olympus, the scenes of Pretzie lamenting the loss of his buddy and their final goodbyes are honestly heartbreaking. Pretzie was played by Arnold Stang, a long-time character actor who also did a fair amount of voice work in cartoons featuring classic figures such as Herman the Mouse. We were all shocked to learn that he passed away as recently as a few days before last Christmas, but were glad to know he had a long, full life with a good career and a loving family. You will be missed, Pretzie.

Arnold Stang: 1918-2009

Conan the Barbarian

Conan was Arnold's big breakthrough, and it's pretty entertaining. He's not a very good actor, so he works in parts like these without a lot of dialogue, but I miss his one-liners that became his trademark not long afterwards. It's a somewhat minimalist movie. He says all of five words to his main love interest in the entire film. He doesn't say anything at all for vast stretches of time. He just kicks peoples' asses and spends time with some ladies.

The action is pretty good for 1982. It's not beautifully choreographed, but it's brutal and bloody enough to be entertaining. James Earl Jones is enjoyable as the villain. You have to be in the right mood to watch Conan. If you take anything too seriously, you might drive yourself insane. It's not a bad movie, it's just strange. The script is competent and the cinematography is pretty good. If you just want to have some fun watching things get killed, it's a good choice.

The Running Man

How can you not like Arnold Schwarzenegger's movies? Especially during his prime in the 80's to early 90's? They're great. I don't care how stupid and over the top they are, few things are more basely entertaining than watching Arnold kill bad guys and pop off one-liners. The lines here are as cheesy as it gets, especially one that I'd put in his top five of all time.

"I'll live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god damn spine!"

I love it. He starts out simple with his answer to the bad guy's offer of a nice TV deal, but then keeps it going as best he can, and manages to squeeze three separate physical threats into a single sentence. Good stuff.

From a pure action standpoint, The Running Man is pretty weak. The fights are pretty short, and they're a little too focused on Arnold finding clever ways to quickly dispatch them instead of interesting combat. It still manages to stay afloat as a movie thanks to the extra humor throughout. In addition to Arnold's lines, there's plenty of other solid jokes coming in from the bad guy, his minions, and all the people in the audience. The science fiction story taken from a book isn't amazing but it creates an interesting setting and set of circumstances for the characters, and adds to the enjoyment. I'm a little disappointed with some of the choices made around the end, but it's still quite a fun movie, and should be seen just to witness Arnold with a beard.